rough time

I'm having a kind of hard time with my feelings tonight. I've been OK all day, all week in fact, but tonight has just been... awful. And I decided to write about it here before it gets more awful.

I just want to curl up into a ball, really. Do you ever have those moments? Where the outside world gets so insanely overwhelming, and you're missing people so much that you can feel it in your bones, and the thought of moving or speaking to people or forcing a smile onto your face seems pointless and painful, and there's absolutely nothing that you can think of doing that could make anything better at all?

I know that I'm very privileged to be able to feel this way, instead of worrying about my next meal or my rent or things like that. I also know that the fact that people are worse off than I am doesn't mean that I am disallowed the privilege to feel shitty sometimes.

But, I think it's a human thing, as well. Sometimes, everything just feels like a burden that you're too beaten down to bear. Even if you're doing perfectly fine one minute, the next day might start off on the wrong foot. Note: There aren't many feelings as bad as waking up and feeling OK, and then moments later remembering something heartbreaking that just happened. That was how tonight felt for me. I had a good day, and then it suddenly plummeted.

And I know I'm doing well. I know that to be true. But I don't feel like I'm doing well. I feel completely dependent, like the only thing that will make me feel better is the hug of someone who isn't mine anymore. I feel very lonely and isolated and like I really ought to have folded my laundry.

Ugh. Let's hope for a better tomorrow.

The picture is from the New York Botanical Gardens and is unrelated, but I like pictures with posts.