realizations

The kindest boy in the world, I contend. My best friend.

 I pride myself on being giving and kind and empathetic, and yet when I look at our relationship I was greedy and selfish and all of the words you do not want to hear in reference to yourself. They are the words you want to yell in a fight, not think about yourself in quiet contemplation. But, here we are.

 I forced him to go to IKEA once and then got angry when he wanted to leave – not the sign of a good girlfriend, or even a good friend, in case you were wondering. I still remember, so vividly, him lying on his bed, eyes closed, and meekly saying something along the lines of, "Are you actually mad at me for being overwhelmed?"

What a punch to the gut, even months later. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

I was deeply in love with him from the beginning of our relationship, but promised that I wasn't. I agreed to a relationship with terms I was uncomfortable with – there was a timer and I promised that I wouldn't fall in love. I cried every night for a month before he left for school and never told him. We kept getting together for months, intermittently, after our official "thing" had come to an end, which broke me for weeks afterwards every single time, but I kept letting it happen, and he kept thinking I was ok. There was a basic lack of communication on my part that led to me being upset constantly and him being clueless, which was so immature and unfair of me that I cannot even stand to think of it.

This is my repentance, I guess, until I can say all of this to him. I am scared to say it because I am afraid he will have more shitty things to add to the pile. That he will say, "Yeah, and also..." which I am not sure I can handle right now. But, I have been thinking about it so much I had to just write it down and get it out and edit it so that it sounded coherent.

I am so sorry for treating you poorly. I loved you so much, but I was an idiot. You deserved better.

I hope one day we'll have a second chance.