poetry

I took one of those little BuzzFeed quizzes that someone posted on Facebook, "Which poet are you?" I took it wholly expecting not to know the work of the poet it would give me – I'm not a poetry-lover, though my friends say it will come with time. 

I got Shel Silverstein, who I always forget is a proper poet because I just think of his poems as mine, mine, mine. What a brilliant man he was.

on growing up, being just-about-twenty, and fear

I turn twenty in less than a month, which isn't very old to a lot of people, but it will be the oldest that I have ever been. I think it's fair to be a little bit freaked out about it.

Turning 2. The next year, I cried on my birthday because I was going to miss being 2.

In my head, I am still solidly 12 – I still run to my mom the instant I have a problem of any size, dirty dishes form stacks in my sink and on the counter, and I'm (apparently) still incapable of putting shoes into a closet. The laundry piles up until my prom dress is the only thing left in my closet and I've run out of underwear and my mom says, "It sure has been a while since you've come over to wash your clothes..."

Turning 13, with some really great hair.

And then, as I was writing that list of ways that I am in-no-way-even-close to being twenty, I realized how many things have changed since I was younger. I have a vase for flowers (that I often leave on my table until they're shriveled and brown, but still). I have nice dresses that I picked out and paid for all by myself. I have my own apartment to keep clean and my own art to hang on the walls, though it always takes at least three nail holes in the drywall before the frame is centered and straight. I'm responsible for feeding myself and making sure I wake up on time, which doesn't always happen because sometimes 8 AM (or even 11 AM) feels way too early to put on clothes and act civil. I choose whether or not to do my work and whether or not to drive to class, which grad schools to visit and to which ones I should apply, if I want to change my major... Oh goodness, I am in charge of a lot of things!

All of that is very scary to me. My brain has not yet caught on to the fact that it's all on me, because when I look in the mirror, I see the least mature version of myself – that part of me is alive and well, more so than I'd like to admit. But when I start to realize the sheer weight of this responsibility I now have for myself and the direction of my life, I get this panicked feeling of, "Oh my gosh, people think that I'm ready to handle this and they have absolutely NO IDEA how wrong they are," when, really, I am already handling it and doing just fine.

My 17th birthday, hanging out in the children's section of Harrods with Thomas the Train. See what I mean about not feeling like an adult?

The floor always goes un-vacuumed until ten minutes before a friend comes over, and sometimes I run out of trash bags and use to-go boxes to hold my dirty paper towels. All of the pretty throw pillows that belong on the sofa are scattered on the floor and the rug is crooked, as are the table and the chairs. But I'm doing it, this big scary adult thing, and I have my suspicions that everyone still thinks it's kind of scary, even after they've been doing it for a long time.

I'm going to take a few really deep breaths in the next few weeks, maybe avoid the panic attack that always comes around midnight on July 22nd, and try to realize that the number attached to me doesn't change the fact that everything is going as it should.

a cute little list

I've just recently started reading BleuBirdBlog (what a precious little family, and they live in Nashville! Just a hop skip and jump away from here), and one of James' recent posts included this precious little list of things she's looking forward to this summer. I am stealing from her, egregiously.

I'm looking forward to:

Eating / A little bit healthier, day by day

Drinking / Sweet tea and lemon water with mint (sigh)

Practicing / Stretches, so maybe I can finally accomplish my silly dream to do the splits

Mastering / The art of being kinder to myself and to my family

Learning / To ride a bike

Trying / To water my succulent just enough, so its leaves stop turning yellow & shriveling away

Playing / With my hair, as I've got to get over this shove-it-in-a-bun phase

Finishing / Going through old boxes from the last time we moved (when I was a 4th grader...)

Reading / More, and everything (at the moment, Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld)

Remembering / To exercise every other day, even though I kind of remember now, I just don't

Wearing / Dresses and sandals, all day long

Cooking / Grilled chicken and veggies (on a panini press... not that fancy around here)

Working / On my summer courses

Traveling / To North Carolina, to Canada (maybe?), to Nashville, to Atlanta

Wanting / To be a little bit happier, walk a little bit lighter

beginagain

I was out to dinner with a couple of lovely families on Sunday, and one of the women said that I ought to write a blog, that she would be interested in hearing my voice and thought others might be as well.

So, that is to say, maybe I'll be writing here a bit more often. Anything to play with my camera over the summer, I suppose.